| Personal Defense with Unarmed Partners |
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This article first appeared in the Network's membership journal. by Gila Hayes I’d retire and move to a tropical island if I had a buck for every time someone asked me how to interest their spouse in armed defense! I’ve been told that the armed spouse believes they are shouldering an unfair part of the responsibility, they think the unarmed spouse poses a dangerous disadvantage, and they want to know how to fix things. Welcome to reality! Life is rarely fair. However, with good, open-minded planning you may turn that unarmed spouse into a pretty good partner, even if they never learn how to shoot a gun. In the July editorial, we discussed educating family members about the aftermath of self defense. In this article, we draw on the collective experience of several defense instructors, asking for strategies to involve the unarmed spouse in defense planning, specific concerns about defense in public places when only one is armed, and home defense planning when only one family member is trained with a gun. The issues are numerous, and the opinions, solutions and ideas even more abundant. Even if you are partnered with someone whose shooting and tactical skills mirror your own, I think you’ll find some useful and interesting insights in the discussion of this topic. Many years ago while participating in handgun training with Ken Hackathorn, I was surprised to hear that outspoken instructor opine that if a couple was attacked in public, an unarmed spouse could still serve a vital role. If threatened while together, he instructed, your unarmed spouse should immediately grab hold to the back of your belt, turn so you stand back to back, then begin serving as the eyes in the back of your head while you defend against the initial threat. If rearward retreat is possible, the unarmed partner guides the shooting partner safely over the terrain, while also watching for flanking threats. By gripping your belt, the unarmed partner communicates their location, and is not likely to be left behind if you need to make any rapid movements. Start practice in this skill in dry fire, using a Ring’s Blue Gun or just pointing your finger to simulate a handgun. Practice staying connected without destabilizing the shooter, who may need to deliver gunfire while retreating, and add precise verbal communication to the exercise once you can move smoothly as a unit. I vividly remember, these many years later, how amazed I was to hear an instructor of Hackathorn’s standing describe a positive role for a spouse who chose not to go armed. Though our prejudices, fed by observing classes largely attended by men, lead us to believe that the unarmed spouses are women, this is not always the case. I know women who chose guns for self defense over the objections of their husbands, whose husbands were puzzled by their interest in guns, and who strove to assure husbands that learning about self defense in no way diminished his standing in the family. None of these challenges stood in the way of Kathy Jackson, editor of Concealed Carry Magazine, who is the armed and trained adult in her family. With a husband whose job keeps him away from home for days at a time, going armed for the defense of herself and their five children only made sense. Respect in a relationship is vital, Kathy emphasized when I asked about her experiences. Just as she values her husband’s respect for her decision to carry a gun, she feels compelled to respect his choice not to embrace armed self defense. Moving on to practical matters, one of the first tactical concerns of the armed citizen is making sure that those in your presence know not to reveal that you are armed, Kathy explains. She has educated her husband and their children to remain silent about her handgun. “I made sure they knew that if something is happening and I haven’t drawn my firearm, it isn’t because I’ve forgotten that I have one,” she chuckles. “I don’t need somebody to remind me that I have a gun!” Despite the humorous manner in which Kathy illustrates this point, it is vitally important, because prematurely revealing the ability to use deadly force may escalate a merely unpleasant confrontation into a full blown fight for your life. Though reversing traditional roles, defense arrangements in the Jackson family present some real advantages, Kathy explains. “When the children were small, there was no way that I was physically capable of scooping up two or three of them and running to safety with them in my arms. I’m not particularly strong or fast. my husband, on the other hand, was perfectly capable of running while carrying three toddlers at the same time,” she points out. “Tactically, you have one partner who covers the family’s retreat while the other partner scoops up the children and retreats to safety. I’ve always felt that because our physically stronger person was the one in charge of gathering up the children that we would be able to do that more efficiently and more safely.” With worries about the children put to rest, Kathy would be able to concentrate on defanging the threat. Another advantage is the sheer unexpectedness of the woman being armed, Kathy continues. “Marc MacYoung talks about the ‘Monkey Dance,’ where guys get into the whole posturing thing; women don’t typically get into that pattern of behavior. If something like that happens with us, I am prepared to triangulate and take care of the problem without the male aggressor noticing. I’ve got the element of surprise.” Realistically, Kathy emphasizes, it makes little sense to assign defense roles based on gender. “I personally don’t think it matters who has the firearm and who has the phone; who has the job of gathering up the kids and who has the job of contacting the authorities. I think the only thing that really matters is that everybody involved knows who is going to do which job, and that should be based on who is best able to do it. Maybe one partner has better eyesight in the dark; maybe one partner has physical mobility issues; maybe one partner has a better command voice than the other. The choice should be based on what you are able to do under pressure, not on gender.” “It doesn’t so much matter who takes point, but it’s really important that you not stop to argue about it!” Kathy emphasizes. As the Jacksons planned for home and personal defense, the couple created a code, a made-up word they would use to indicate that the situation was one of dire seriousness, and any command like “down,” “run,” or “to the car,” to follow the code word must be executed immediately and without question. Each family member knows it doesn’t mean stop and pay the restaurant bill; it doesn’t mean look around and figure out what’s going on. “It means, ‘Do this instantly.’ And they all know that I will never say the word unless something has to be done instantly,” she stresses. Fortunately, the plan has never been tested. One of the difficulties, and an aspect with which spouses must come to terms, is whether one can leave the other behind to control an aggressor. Sometimes, splitting up and going for help may be the soundest tactical choice, but is it reasonable to expect one to leave the other in danger? “We have talked about that,” Kathy answered pensively. “And I can’t say that we’ve actually come to any conclusions, except for one: because we’re pragmatic people, we agree that we would prefer not to have the entire family wiped out on behalf of one person.” The parents readily put the children’s welfare first, but will the plan hold up if the husband or the wife is in danger? Pressed on this point, Kathy referred to a section in Rory Miller’s book, Meditations on Violence, in which that author explained that there are situations where the best solution is to leave another behind, so the person leaving can summon help and is not also ensnared in the aggressor’s attack. Helping the spouse grasp this reality is very necessary! One of the most vital roles for the unarmed spouse is handling communications and making first contact with responding law enforcement. Network Advisory Board member Tom Givens explains, “Any time police are responding to your home concerning a violent confrontation, remember that they won’t know who the bad guy is, and at first, they may pose as much of a threat to the family as the intruder(s) did.” Givens, who now owns, operates and teaches at Rangemaster in Memphis, TN comes out of a career in law enforcement and knows of what he speaks. “A charged cell phone should always be at hand in the bedroom,” Givens continues. “A cell phone will still work, even if the intruders have cut the land line. The unarmed spouse should call 911 and remain on the line throughout the incident. The caller can give the police dispatcher updates on the location or disposition of intruders, as well as warn them the other family member is armed and give police a description of the armed family member,” Tom explains. “The dispatcher will also be able to hear action in the background, and can advise the caller when police actually arrive on the scene. This interaction between the family and responding police could make the difference between successful resolution of the emergency, and a tragic shooting of the home’s defender by the police.” Of course, in addition to calling police, the spouse can gather children together and keep them behind cover so the armed spouse can concentrate on the threat, Givens concludes. The Ambivalent Spouse Family dynamics, of course, are extremely individual. Some of our members are wed to people who, if approached correctly, could become a valuable, armed member of the family defense team. Famed instructor and Foundation Advisory Board member John Farnam points out that “Conversion is a process, not an event! You need to continue to lovingly nudge her in the right direction. You’re probably having more effect than you realize,” he encourages. “Put a newspaper under her nose now and then!” Farnam concludes. Lynn Givens, who teaches with her husband, Tom, at Rangemaster explains how critical good training is in preparing an unsure, gun-phobic spouse to embrace armed self defense. “Many of our students are afraid of guns but are also concerned about being home by themselves. They are in the decision-making phase of whether a gun is a realistic choice for them. Once they understand the four safety rules, how to send bullets from point A to point B, mechanical operation, marksmanship, and safe storage, they are usually very enthusiastic,” Lynn relates. “They realize a lot of what they thought was just incorrect. But most importantly, they now have the freedom of being able to take care of themselves. They do not have to live in fear. It’s their choice what happens to them.” Lynn is a tremendous role model for these students, because when she tells how a threat against her life and that of her son made her serious about self defense, students listen. Describing her pre-gun life as that of a typical stay-at-home mom, Lynn relates, “I never thought I would have to pick up a gun until someone tried to take my and my son’s choices out of our hands. It then became very real when I found my picture on the front page of the newspaper in an article about crime. I always thought that violence was something that happened to someone else. However, in your eyes I am somebody else,” she wisely explains. When a psychotic family member made verbal and written death threats, Lynn says, “I knew I had to take responsibility for the safety of my son and myself. I made a visit to Rangemaster and explained my situation and took Level I Basic Personal Protection class.” Lynn took to shooting and instruction as though to the manner born, and undertook extensive training. “From February through August of that year, I had gone from possible victim to protector of my son and self, to Certified Tennessee Firearms Instructor,” she relates. In the latter role, she helps women understand their personal responsibilities in a way a male instructor simply could not, because of the authenticity of her experience. Lynn relates, “I tell all my students, ‘Don’t let something happen in your life before you understand that anything can happen to you or your loved ones. You are responsible for your own safety.” Vicki Farnam, co-authoring with Diane Nicholl, literally wrote the book on training women! Their first, Teaching Women to Shoot, was published in 2002, and is currently under revision for a second, updated edition. Their follow up book, Women Learning to Shoot, came out in 2006. Both books are full of valuable insights. Seeking solutions for motivating a reticent spouse to learn about guns and self defense, I called Vicki, and predictably, our conversation turned into an hour-long discussion about women, teaching and motivation. Vicki’s initial comments echoed those of Lynn Givens, explaining that motivation comes when the student begins to experience success as a shooter. As our conversation continued, Vicki shared a number of experiences, lessons learned, and explanations for responses new women shooters exhibit on the range. This information is far, far too valuable to trim down to fit in this article, became the lead article for the Network's September edition of the eJournal. Copyright © 2008-2010 Armed Citizens' Legal Defense Network. All rights reserved. Reproduction without written permission is strictly prohibited. |
